Just a normal day. Not much going on. Simon is painting the skirting boards in the hallway, Hannah has been at work all day and Emily went to uni to collect her art work and then started work at 4 o’clock. It has rained a few times.
My mind is not having the best of days. It was exactly a year ago today when I attended my breast clinic appointment and my whole world collapsed. I had told Simon that he didn’t need to come with me, they were only going to discuss what to do about my breast cyst cluster. Emily wanted to come with me, so I wasn’t on my own. I drove us there.
I can remember everything about that day. I was at work in the morning. Nicola had told me to leave at lunch time. She said it was better to take my time and get there relaxed and less stressed. I wasn’t worried at all. I am your typical menopausal woman with breast cysts. They are just taking precautions.
“I am surprised to be telling you that they are cancerous cells” is what Mr Thomas told me on that day. See, even they thought it was just a cyst. That radiographer took a biopsy because she didn’t like the look of the wall of the cyst in my right breast. Funny how I had gone in for a cyst on my left breast and they had aspirated that one just fine. No problems there.
“Do you want me to check the cluster on the right?” is what she had said.
“Might as well, whilst I’m here” I said.
It’s Triple Negative Cancer.
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/breast-cancer/types/triple-negative-breast-cancer
Who knows why I got it, I don’t really match the criteria. It happened. It threw my life upside down, but I’m still here. I don’t feel brave, or strong, or a warrior, or a survivor. My life has been on hold, whilst everyone around me has carried on about their normal day to day business. Yes, my family has been affected, but only by my presence and the inconvenience of having to do things for me. They have mostly been spectators. I’ve been on a journey that I would never want any of my friends or family to ever have to go through. I sit here, a year after my diagnosis and I don’t feel like me. Maybe that’s because I am still having treatment, maybe I’ll feel different when the immunotherapy is done and the picc line is out. My gums and my hearing haven’t recovered, my eyesight has been on a downward spiral, my waistline has increased, and my fitness has decreased. Mentally, I swing from happy to sad, and back again within the space of minutes. I look at this body every day and I don’t see myself anymore, I see a body that has needed medical science to keep it alive. I am truly, truly grateful for everything they have done for me. But I still haven’t come to terms with the “why me” part of it all yet.
May Contain Nuts 
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