May Contain Nuts

It does exactly what it says on the tin

recent posts

    • Friday 15th August 

      Absolutely crap night’s sleep. Fell asleep ok, no podcasts needed. But I was awake at 1:04am. I had to come downstairs to get my air pods, and I picked up the magnesium spray whilst I was at it. Also went to the toilet to see if that would help. The spray really worked on my legs. If anything, it made them feel heavy, which then scared me as I thought I would be stuck not being able to move my legs! 

      Listened to one podcast, no sign of any sleep. Listened to another, still awake. Listened to a third one and then thought it would be better if I didn’t listen to anymore and to try and get back to sleep. At 4am I heard an aeroplane take off. At 4:45am I heard the noisy motorbike do its usual trip through Rayleigh. A little while after that, the foxes decided to turn up and do some screaming, to which a crow then shouted at them, and they stopped. The alarm went off at 6:30am, so that sleep was a waste of time. Hannah was at work at 7am, so she came in to say goodbye and she left Toast with me. I then feel asleep and was woken by Simon at 7:15am. 

      Got the hospital and saw the picc nurse who fitted my picc line. She was happy with the way everything is healed but doesn’t know why it would still be bleeding. So, she has put some more glue on the metal bit that goes into my arm. They checked to make sure my picc cover wasn’t too tight, it isn’t. It might be where I am rolling on the arm during the night, so I must make sure not to roll on that side. They are always so nice to me so it was lovely to see them again, I just hope this doesn’t become a regular occurrence or they are saying it would mean fitting the picc line in the other arm instead. 15 minutes later I was back in the car and on my way back home. 

      I’ve been shattered but unable to sleep all day. I feel like a walking zombie. 

      It’s 1:28am and I was going to go to bed earlier than this, but I’m scared it’s going to be another unsuccessful night’s sleep again. Oh well, another night with magnesium spray and listening to podcasts. I swear it’s the steroids. Thankfully they finish tomorrow, just as I start the injections that make my bones ache. Yay, living the dream. And it’s felt like one day has lasted a whole weekend. I’m not sure if I filled my water quota today but I have been to the toilet 4 times. So that’s double my usual amount. Winning. 

      Oh, and I called the doctors surgery to ask about the district nurses that can do my blood tests. The receptionist said she thought it was only the housebound patients that have that, but she will call and check. A little while later, she calls me to say that the district nurse can do it but the referral should’ve come from the oncology department and not the doctor’s surgery. So, another new thing I have learned! The lovely district nurse has booked me in for the day before round 3. She said about my weekly flush, but I said I’m at the hospital every week for chemotherapy so they do it at the chemo unit. I’ve had a lot of help today, and I’m grateful for all the help these lovely ladies have given to me today. Just a shame they can’t help me sleep.  

    • Round 2 Big Chemo Day Thursday 14th August 

      Not the best of starts to the day. I was a bit late getting up so had to rush my breakfast. Bag was all ready to go, so off we went. 

      Got to the chemo unit, had my book with me and sat reading in the waiting room. My appointment was at 9:45am and we always arrive early. Today on the board it said appointments were running 1 hour and 30 minutes behind. So, I was all prepared for a long wait. Thankfully it was only half an hour for me. 

      Sat in the chair, they started to attach me to the flush through drip when one of the doctors came over and said I needed my bloods doing again. I only had them done on Tuesday. She came back later to tell me that my immunotherapy and chemotherapy has had to be adjusted because my kidney function is low. Not drinking enough. So, the pharmacy is having to make new ones for me. Thankfully it didn’t take too long. 

      When they pump through the antihistamines, they instantly make me feel drowsy and spaced out. Then I must give my name, date of birth and first line of my address, so that takes a lot of concentration. Immunotherapy starts and then they come and put the cold cap on me as it must be on for an hour before the chemotherapy. 

      It was quite warm in the unit today, so I was quite glad to have the cap on. Bruno (one of the staff) sat down in front of the air conditioning unit to cool down. I did tell him he needs a cold cap. Not only does it cool my head, but it also cools my whole body. Even my nose gets cold. I hope I can keep tolerating it in the autumn. 

      The other two rounds went in quite quickly. It’s amazing how much quicker the picc line pumps everything through. So that was a good decision. Not such a good decision though as the nurses wouldn’t change the dressing as they wanted to leave it to the picc nurses to do it as it is still bleeding. 

      I didn’t really talk to too many people again. It’s hard to have a conversation with a massive cold cap on your head and I struggle to turn my head. Spoke to the man to the left of me. He was telling me that he had pains in his stomach which he thought was his appendix. Went in for a CT scan where they found kidney stones and they saw something on his lungs that they weren’t happy about. He said over twenty years ago he had lymphoma, and he had been treated for that with some strange drug that contained TB. They were concerned that there was TB in his lungs, so he was on a course of antibiotics for that for a year, whilst biopsies were taken on his lungs. They came back as cancerous cells. His daughter was also diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer at the same time. It’s now been a year since her treatment started, and she has had her operations and chemotherapy. That’s a lot of things for one family to go through all at the same time. 

      Had my usual lunch of a cheese and pickle sandwich but opted for a KitKat and a toffee yoghurt, followed by fruit shortbread biscuits with my two cups of tea. Made sure I drank two jugs of water as well. 

      Listened to a few podcasts whilst I was there. I’ve worked out that I can’t listen to Chatabix as they make me laugh too much. I tried to sleep but it impossible for me to relax enough to sleep. Some of the other women manage it, I just get disturbed by the machines bleeping. 

      Finished the chemo and then had to sit with the cold cap on for an extra hour and a half. So, I let Simon know my estimated finish time, so he didn’t have to rush down. I was all done by 5pm. They gave me my bag of drugs and needles, and I left to go home. 

      It leaves me feeling very dizzy and disorientated, but I was still able to leave a message with the picc nurses to let them know that the dressing wasn’t changed. They called me back within half an hour and told me to come in tomorrow at 8:15am. 

      I went to bed at 9pm due to being shattered. 

    • Monday 11th August 

      Lisa and I had arranged to go to Hyde Hall today. I awoke this morning to find that the picc line is leaking blood out the bottom of the dressing, and I’m worried if blood is getting out, then germs can get in. I called and left a message with the picc nurses asking for advice. 

      Lisa picked me up and I put it to the back of my mind. Just as we pulled into the car park, my phone rang. It was Southend Hospital. Could I get the hospital at 1pm? Not really. How about 3pm? Yes, I can do that. Another trip to the hospital, yay. 

      Anyway, the visit to Hyde Hall was lovely, but I was very conscious that it was a hot day and should’ve had a parasol or something extra with me.  

      Lisa and I had a good catch-up. She also asked about everything and, yet again, I was more than happy to share everything with her. I most definitely do talk too much! 

      Hannah took me to the hospital. It was cleaned up, different dressing attached, and I was told to call them again if it was still behaving like that. The dressing felt a little bit better, not so tight, so I thanked her and went home. 

    • Saturday 9th August 

      We’re a few days into Week 3 and things are so much better than last week already. I woke up this morning not feeling as sick as I did last Saturday. I took my anti-sickness pill this morning but not at lunch time. I’m hoping that my body is coping now, and I can try and reduce the number of tablets this week. 

      I had enough energy this morning to clean the dining room. Listened to a disco album whilst I was doing it! It may only be one room, but that’s a small victory for me. The picc line feels weird today, but that might just be the medical cover that is on it. The picc cover is so much softer and comfortable. Anyway, I digress. I cleaned the blinds as well so that shows how keen I was! 

      Simon was keen to go out somewhere last night, even if it was for a drive to get a drink somewhere. So, we popped to Create 98 as Howard was DJing there. Stood outside with Sinead and Al for a while, stayed for a lemonade and then came home after an hour. It felt weird and good to be out. I was in a bit of heightened state with my picc line, but I need to come to terms with it being there and not to panic about catching it too much. It has a cover on it; it’s not going to get caught. Very weird the things that go through your head when you feel vulnerable. 

      It’s James and Carla’s wedding today. I was hoping to make the ceremony, but I can’t risk needing to use the toilet at the wrong time! I can’t believe my life is currently based around my stomach and bowels. Do I feel sick? Is it firm or solid? Everything is noted down to see if there is correlation between treatments. I just keep telling myself that this is just for 24 weeks … if I can remember to keep doing it (unfortunately some days have been left half done!). 

      My skin today is very dry on my hands, not just on the back but on the side of my palms. I think I’m going to need to have more lip balms and hand creams in different parts of the house and in my handbag. 

      We got to the weeding at 6pm and left just before 9:30pm. It was good to spend time with Nicola and Paul. James nearly cried when he saw me. Daft wally, and then Carla nearly did! Then we were joined outside by James and Courtney. It was a lovely evening with friends but the picc line was very uncomfortable and I could feel it constantly. 

      I couldn’t risk going in the marquee, I heard James’ brother saying that he felt rough and so did his wife and kids. After hearing that, I couldn’t even face going into a crowded area with potential other people that he had infected. It was a lovely evening anyway, so we all stayed outside. Great pizzas, but I forgot to take my tablet with me, so my stomach was gurgling and wasn’t happy with me. I will have to rectify that tomorrow. 

    • Day 15 Chemo Day Thursday 7th August 

      I went out to lunch with Garry and Davey yesterday. It was my first lunch out since treatment had started. I hope it didn’t show that I was nervous. First time out to lunch and first time out with my picc line. I didn’t need to worry, everything was fine, and the lunch was tasty and just what I needed. I now have a new companion for Teeny Tiny keyring Toast, he is called Jellycrap! 

      Woke up a bit later than usual today, it was a bit of a disturbed night with me keep worrying about the picc line. Of course I didn’t catch it, but the thought of sleeping with my arm up, and breaking it inside, is the thing that keeps me waking up. There is a little bit of blood inside it, but they said that was normal and it won’t always be like that. I don’t like to look at it. I know I should, but it’s still bruised and there’s a big fuck off clear plaster in my armpit that is helping glue together the hole that she cut. I already have a little red mark from where they did the biopsy on my lymph node in my armpit, now I’m going to have another, bigger, scar. Thanks, thin veins. Which family member passed that little genetic trait to me?  

      Got ready for the hospital and got there with plenty of time again. Simon was in a better mood as he had taken the day off as holiday again. 

      I was offered Bay 2 or 3 today. I opted for 2 and hid in the corner. Bay full of older women today. Woman opposite me spent most of her time on video calls with her friends and family. Joyce next to her was someone I recognised from my first round. She had been in the chair next to me and complained about everything. She was still true to form today. Woman in the end chair was doing her knitting, and everyone came to look at what she was making. It’s a bright red cardigan for her granddaughter and she going to make one for the plumbers’ daughters as he’s a lovely man, always helping her out. Then she slept most if the day! At the end of my row was a Scottish woman who told every member of staff about the ambulance she had called the other week because she was so ill after the red devil that they gave her (EC chemo), and the ambulance still hadn’t come after two days even when she had been calling again for help. One nurse did ask her why she didn’t get a taxi straight to A&E, but then she cried and said that she was too poorly to have gotten out the house. She lives on her own. Now that must be hard. I have my family around me to help; she’s going through it alone. That’s tough. She got a lot of attention from all the staff, and she left happier than she arrived. 

      Picc line was used, which was weird. I thought I would feel more, but I didn’t. Felt as if nothing was happening. The pump on the drip sends everything through, so it goes in quicker. That’s a bonus. Bloods taken through the picc line as well. Having the dressing changed stung, a lot. I guess because it’s only just been done, but still, it smarted. A lot. 

      I didn’t talk to many of the people again. They may think I’m rude, but I put my air pods in and listened to podcasts. The room was filled with lots of women talking and machines bleeping and alarms going off. I still don’t feel like I want to make small talk with strangers. 

      Simon picked me up and we came home. Take away for dinner again, my choice and I opted for Pizza Express. It was delicious and I didn’t need to run to the toilet. That’s an improvement on last week. 

    • Tuesday 5th August 

      Picc line day. 

      Nicky, Liz and Claire came to sit with me on Saturday as Emily and Simon were at a car show and Hannah was at work all day. I was fine. Did get a little bit tired but I battled through. It was lovely to see them all. I’m not sure if I talked too much about the chemotherapy. I know in some of the leaflets and information sites they say that you should feel comfortable telling people that you don’t want to talk about, but once you get me started, I can’t shut up. I thought this blog would help me get it all out, but not everyone knows about it, so I just keep on talking! I told them that I’m having my picc line done on Tuesday and I’ll probably get a taxi to the hospital as everyone else is at work. Nicky and Liz offered to take me, so I might have to take them up on their offer of help. 

      Anyway, felt ok over the weekend, kept talking the tablets continued to eat some food. I can’t eat big dinners like I used to, so I get the child-like portions. 

      Hannah ended up swapping a shift this week, so she was available to take me to the hospital today. Well, both Hannah and Tom were available, so they dropped me off whilst they went out for brunch. 

      I was escorted by the receptionist to the picc nurses’ area, and I sat waiting for them to get the room ready. It’s a bit weird to perform surgery in what can only be described as a demountable building that is being held together with gaffer tape on the floors. But it was clean inside the room. I was asked to lie on the bed, with my right arm resting at a right angle to me on a pillow. An ultrasound was used to look for my veins. And look, and look, and look. They are too small she said, so she looked in my armpit. There is a thicker one there that she can use but it’s still a bit small. They looked on my left arm, and of course, there was a thicker vein on that side. Could we do it that side? No. The injury in my shoulder meant I was in pain just holding my arm there for a couple of minutes. How could I hold it there for an hour? The decision was made. To put it in my right arm, two local anaesthetics would need to be given to numb my armpit and the area where the picc line would come out midway down my arm. She cut into my armpit, inserted the line down my arm, and out the second cut in my arm, whilst also feeding more of the picc line towards my chest. I felt a very strange sensation in my hand, and it wasn’t pain but was pain, if that makes sense. The other nurse told me that because the picc line is going along a vein, the nerve endings run alongside the veins, and it has pushed against the nerve endings. It felt like someone was activating my nerves in my fingers, one after the other, very fast. Not something I would like to repeat but I have a feeling something similar may happen when they remove the picc line at the end of my treatment. 

      The other nurse came to check on me at one point and I think she may have noticed that I was crying. Or the fact that I had said at one point that I wasn’t sure if I had made the right decision if it wasn’t as straight forward as it could be. I was lying on an operating bed, with holes in my arm, and a nurse struggling to fit a tube into my thin veins. I had so many thoughts going through my head. How can this small lump have me going through all this. I’ve never been a sicky person. Always stayed away from the doctors. Made sure I looked after myself. Never took unnecessary tablets. I am nothing like my mum or nan who both liked a visit to the doctor to get all the pills. But I’m now lying here, wondering why all this is happening to me, when I don’t want to be here. I just want everything to go away. Is that possible? Could I click my fingers and wake up to my old life? No. I must get through this. This is still the beginning of the treatment; I have weeks and weeks to go yet. That’s the scary part, and I don’t think I’m coping at all with it. The nurse started talking to me about my family and she distracted me enough for me to relax and then it seemed the line was fitted, and I was being glued up and stuck together with massive clear plasters. I was given all my instructions, and the picc passport to always carry with me, and escorted to the waiting area where I was made a cup of tea and given a biscuit. Hannah and Tom picked me up and we went home. 

      Now I know they said I would get used to it being there, and I won’t feel it most days, but I’m not so sure you can used to a tube hanging out your arm that you are most definitely not allowed to get wet at all. 

    • Day 8 Chemo Day 31st July 

      After taking the anti-sickness pills, I finally felt well enough to leave the house for the next round of chemo!  

      Made it to the hospital a bit early. Didn’t have a meltdown in the waiting room, but I was nervous. The nurse checked in to see how I was as we were going through the bays (Bay 2 today) and they weighed me. Not good, lost 5kgs in a week. I didn’t realise I had dropped that much weight; I was frowned at. I told her that I was going to continue taking the anti-sickness pills as they made things more comfortable for me. She was happy with my answer. Had a canula fitted in my left arm and then had to sit and wait for the drugs to arrive. It took ages. 

      Bev came round with the drinks trolley at 11am. Still no sign of anything. They came round with the cold cap for me, which I thought was weird as I was led to believe it was one week of chemotherapy and the rest was immunotherapy. Never mind, I’ll go with it. 

      Then they came out with the anti-sickness pill and the antihistamine. Now that was weird. Maybe I didn’t notice it last week but within minutes of it going into your bloodstream, it literally knocks me out. Bev came round with the lunch trolley and I’m sure I was really spaced out when asking for my food. Cheese and pickle sandwich with a jelly. Then, after having the cold cap on for the allotted time, they came out with the paclitaxel. But that’s chemotherapy. Will have more immunotherapy? Will this chemotherapy diminish my immune system again? Will I be constantly having to hide away? So many questions that I didn’t ask. But then I didn’t want to seem stupid for asking them. Maybe I will be brave enough one day. 

      I tried to keep my eyes closed and not pay attention to everyone around me. I recognised the man opposite; we were in Bay 4 together last week. He was reading a book and one of the Macmillan nurses asked what it was about. He said his friend had written it about his prostate cancer journey. The woman in the chair to my right was talking with all the nurses. Every one of them had got the same bit of her life story. She’s far too talkative for me, so I did my utmost to not make eye contact. We all had a bit of a relax after lunch. Some fell asleep, whilst I kept my eyes closed but sleep eluded me.  

      Around 2pm, the nurses were back checking the alarms and the timers on the drips. They were with the woman next to me and then carried over straight to me. Which is when it happened. I caught her eye and that was it. Jeanie and I were now in a conversation. Well, she did most of the talking, so it was a bit of one-sided conversation. She told me about her car, the man who’s coming to do some handy work for her, her neighbour who mows her lawn for her, her grandchildren, her children, her cancer treatment, her surgery, her bra (she flashed it to me), her new carpet, the rug that is upstairs that she wants downstairs, her new furniture that the company are holding on to until her carpet is laid, the operation she had on her foot, and then finally, right before they took my cold cap off, she heard one of the nurses call me Michelle. Oh, that’s a name I can’t forget – she said – my daughter is called Shell. I was going to say that my is Michelle, but she had already started talking about something else, so I never got the chance. 

      As it was only one chemo drip, I was finished earlier than last week so Simon collected me and took me home. He didn’t seem happy about picking me up, but it turned out that he was going to work straight afterwards so I think he was more pissed off about that than waiting for me for a little while in the car park. I didn’t get given any injections to do at home, so that was a huge relief for me. 

      The girls and I had McDonald’s for dinner (Jeanie had talked about it and I couldn’t get it out of my head) and I was really looking forward to eating it. I think I ate it too quickly as I had to stop halfway through to use the toilet. That was a bit unexpected, but it didn’t put me off my food. I did eat too quickly and gave myself indigestion. But I enjoyed it! 

    • Tuesday 29th July  

      I should’ve been having my picc line fitted today. I had to call the nurses early this morning to say I was too ill to make it. 

      Thursday evening, I was shattered and went to bed early. Understandable as I think I was in shock as well. Friday, I woke up ok, took my steroids and anti-sickness pills and was able to be a bit active around the house. Had the energy to clean and vacuum, so I did. Saturday was much the same. Felt a bit tired but wasn’t too bad. Still had steroids and the big anti-sickness pill to take. Tracey popped over to see me and I had cleaned the house before she had arrived and wasn’t feeling too tired. She didn’t stay for long, but I was glad to get to hug her. Saturday evening was a different story though. On the Saturday after Day 1 chemo, I start injecting myself with the immunotherapy syringes. Surely that’s not too bad?  Maybe if you’re used to injecting yourself, but I have never been asked to do it before. So, I put my big brave girl pants on and did it. It stings when it goes in. Then within an hour your joints start aching. I went to bed early and tried to sleep through it.  

      Sunday, I woke up and had to make the decision if I wanted to take the next lot of anti-sickness pills. Tracey and I had been discussing how everyone is different, and it would depend on whether I can cope with sickness. I was fine with morning sickness when I was pregnant. Didn’t throw up or struggle too much, so maybe I could cope without the tablets. So, I didn’t take them. Breakfast was ok, lunch was alright but there a severe lack of appetite at dinnertime. 

      Monday got worse. A little bit of breakfast, struggled to eat biscuits. Felt hungry, ate something, stomach didn’t like it. Tried lunch, that was a was a struggle. Emily cooked dinner and I couldn’t even eat anything without getting instantly hot and then not wanting to eat another mouthful. I wasn’t feeling sick. It was as if my body was crying out for food, but as soon as you give it food it was then going – but that’s not food. I didn’t feel sick. So, I didn’t take the pills. 

      So, this morning I was worse. The picc nurses were lovely and have changed the fitting to next Tuesday. I got up and tried to eat something. Yet again, nothing wants to go into my stomach. I called and left a message with the chemo unit. 

      I tried not to sleep too much but that’s nearly impossible. Simon is trying to do his best to help but we are both struggling with how to deal with this. All I seem to have done is sleep, and it hasn’t affected my sleep at night. 

      The chemo nurses called back and talked me through everything. They asked if I had taken the anti-sickness pills and I explained that I hadn’t as I wanted to see if I could cope without them, but I did take a pill at lunch time. She asked if that had helped and I said that I had managed to eat something. She told me to keep taking them, three times a day, and if that doesn’t help, I need to take the other anti-sickness pills as well. She told me to eat what I wanted as eating anything would be better than nothing. She said to eat the ice-cream and eat the crisps if I wanted. I thanked her for all her help. 

      I ate a little bit of dinner which is better than nothing again. 

    • Round 1 Big Chemo Day Thursday 24th July 

      I woke up early, had a shower, and sat on the side of the bed and cried. Why am I having to go through this? Why me?  I don’t think I have the strength to do it. Everyone has been messaging me, and I just want to run away and hide and say – no, you’ve got it all wrong, I am not strong enough to do this – but I can’t as I MUST do this to get better. It’s amazing how a hidden, painless lump will now cause me months of being pumped with poison and changing my body. 

      I got dressed and Simon drove me to the hospital. Just as we were arriving in the car park, my brother called. I couldn’t answer his call; it was making me cry just seeing his name on my phone. Then a minute later Hannah messaged saying that she was sorry she couldn’t call, and she loves me and she’s so proud of me. I had to put my phone in my bag and try ignoring everything. 

      We walked towards the chemo unit and there was a big sign saying patients only. Simon gave me a kiss, and I walked through on my own.  

      The receptionists were lovely, very helpful and they told me to take a seat, and I would be called through. I got my phone out to reply to Hannah and I started crying again. Two lovely women came and sat next to me and helped to calm me down. I said I was ok but a bit emotional after receiving a message from my daughter. I said to this lady who is a stranger to me – how can my daughter be so lovely to me? – to which the random stranger said – I know, what a bitch being so nice!  

      These two lovely ladies sat and talked to me and gave me advice on things to eat and drink, and just generally made me feel better about starting the treatment. They both said that they always make the side effects sound so scary, but they do it so that you keep looking after yourself. Plus, anything that does seem wrong, always tell them. Then one of the ladies started talking about the staff and how lovely they are, and she said if you hear squeaky shoes then that will be Megan. Both the ladies were called through before me and I sat there waiting. 

      When I was collected from reception, I was walked into Bay 4 and given the last chair in there. I didn’t want to talk to anyone as I was still struggling to process what was going on, but thankfully everyone in there was reading or doing crosswords or on their phones. Six chairs in the Bay, with two men and four women in there. I was weighed and then fitted with a cannula in my right hand. I had a bit of a panic as the nurse was putting it in. I got a bit hot and dizzy and had to ask if the chair could be reclined. I don’t think it was the needle that did it, I think it was the fact that this is the treatment starting that caused it. My pulse was quite high, but they said that was expected that as it’s my first time here. Temperature was done and then they came round and put me on a flush/saline drip which I didn’t feel at all.  

      They explained to me that the immunotherapy would start first, followed by the chemotherapy. I don’t need to wear the cold cap for immunotherapy, but it will need to be fitted at least a half hour before the chemotherapy starts so they will do it during the immunotherapy. I was measured for the right size cap, small was too small, so medium it is. My hair was sprayed with water all over and then conditioner is put on so that the cap doesn’t freeze to the hair itself and it can be slid off afterwards. Once it was turned on, it was quite soothing on my head and helped keep me calm. 

      Before any drugs are administered, I am given two anti-sickness tablets, and an antihistamine is administered through the drip. That really knocked me out. I came over very dizzy and tired and struggled to keep my eyes open. Which was then difficult as Bev the lunch lady then came round with the sandwiches. I was advised by the ladies this morning to choose a sandwich that you don’t mind never eating again. That way, if I am ill, I won’t worry about bringing it up, but mainly because I will associate that sandwich with chemotherapy and it may not bring happy memories to me. Cheese and pickle sandwiches were chosen, with a jelly for afterwards. I did try to eat it but had to stop and close my eyes for a while. 

      Immunotherapy finished, I was then attached to a flush which I think had the steroids in it. I did wake up a bit after that and managed to finish off my sandwich. Then came a big bag of chemotherapy which they said would take an hour and a half to slowly drip into me. It is done slow at first, then every half an hour a timer goes off and they will alter the speed it goes in. I didn’t feel anything as it was going in, so all was well with the cannula. A few times they had to come over and raised up the drip bar as my small veins needed more gravity to get it in quicker. 

      Finally, after what seemed like an age, the bag was finished, and I was given another flush before the last small chemotherapy bag (only half an hour for this one) was added to the drip collection. Just after 4:15pm, my treatment was all finished. But the cold cap wasn’t, and I had to sit for a further hour and a half with it on my head, whilst my cannula was taken out and my take home tablets were given to me in a big green bag, with a needle container. And as they went through the bag, there they were, five large needles that I will need to inject into myself starting Saturday for five days. I am NOT looking forward to doing that. 

      Cap was removed; hair was towel dried and bags were picked up and I left the chemotherapy unit to find Simon waiting in the car just opposite the door. Sick bucket was in the back seat just in case. 

      I got home safely, lay down on the sofa and just didn’t know what to do with myself. I think it was more tiredness and shell-shock really.  

      Was it as bad as I thought it would be? No. 

      Was it a scary thought that I must continue to go in there every Thursday for the next twelve weeks? Absolutely. 

      Am I looking forward to finding out what the side effects are? No. 

      I don’t think my life will be the same again for a long while. 

    • Wednesday 23rd July

      Pre-assessment call that lasted an hour 

      I will be having the immunotherapy drug first, followed by two chemotherapy drugs, Paclitaxel and another one beginning with C (I think) tomorrow. Then for the next two weeks it will be the immunotherapy, which is not as invasive as the chemotherapy. It is being given to help my body make more white blood cells and platelets to fight the cancer. After 12 weeks, the chemo will then change to EC which will be given every 3 weeks for 4 rounds. If everything goes to plan, the 18th of December will be my last round. Then it will be rest for me for a little while before surgery. Then immunotherapy afterwards with 6 lots every 3 weeks. I need to check that as I thought it was radiotherapy afterwards. 

      So, Day 1 (24th July) will be three drugs. We spoke about a picc line, and I have said that I would prefer one as my veins are not that good, and seeing as it will be a weekly thing, it seems the sensible solution. I won’t have one fitted tomorrow but hopefully the picc nurses will fit it on Day 8. They will request a swab from my nose and groin to check for MRSA. I will have everything through a canula tomorrow. With a picc line, district nurses will come to flush it through and do the blood tests at home. 

      I will be given a card that is passport size that will have emergency blood forms and a prescription for antibiotics in it. If my temperature drops below 36 or above 37.4 degrees, I am to call them on the emergency number, and they will advise me if I need to go to A&E immediately (with my emergency card). She said it was so I could jump the queue. 

      She advised that I should wear comfortable clothes tomorrow as I will be there for 6-7 hours at least. No need to bring food as they will provide everything. 

      I need to check my temperature daily as my white blood cells with drop and a change in my temperature could mean an infection. She said that they want me to feel well enough to continue a normal life, but I need to stay away from big crowds if I am not wearing a mask. If I am with family/friends, I need to make sure that no-one has a cough or cold. 

      Mouth ulcers are a common side effect and that 1 or 2 of them is okay, bonjela or warm salt water will help with them. I am to call if I have more mouth ulcers than that and I am struggling to eat. 

      Nausea and vomiting are another side effect. I will be given anti sickness tablets to take 3 times a day. If, after 3-4 days the nausea goes, I can reduce the tablets to twice a day, then once a day. Or I could just keep taking all three every day all the way through. I like the idea of not taking so many pills. If the nausea doesn’t go, then I should call and let them know as they may need to adjust the chemotherapy. 

      I need to keep an eye on any rashes or spots and call them if there are any. 

      They will give me some back-up anti sickness tablets. If I vomit 2-3 times in 24 hours, I must call them. 

      Smaller meals little and often are better than 3 big meals. Ginger is good for settling the stomach. 

      If I become constipated, I should drink more orange juice, have dates and prunes, drink more water, have cereal with more fibre, and take some senakot. 

      If I get diarrhoea 3-4 times in 24 hours, I should take Imodium. 

      The side effects of chemotherapy are constipation, the side effects of immunotherapy are diarrhoea, so hopefully they will balance each other out! 

      My skin will become sensitive, I am not to use creams with scents, E45 cream is the better option. 

      I must keep an eye on my nails. They will ridge and can even come away. If there is any weeping, it could be an infection, so I will need to call them. 

      I will become tired, but if I am spending more than half the day asleep when I have been asleep all night, then I need to let them know. 

      There is to be no sunbathing. Factor 50, sit in the shade, wear a hat. That’s nothing new for me then. 

      The Paclitaxel will cause pin and needles in my fingers and toes in the morning. If they continue all day, that is a definite NO as it can cause permanent damage. Let them know immediately as the drug will need to be reduced. 

      The immunotherapy can cause inflammation of the lungs. If there is shortness or breathe or pains in the chest, I must call 999. 

      If I need to take paracetamol, I must check my temperature beforehand as the paracetamol reduces temperatures and can mask an infection. Call them if I am unsure. 

      I think that is everything. 

      Oh no, forget, I must inject myself for 5 days. I can’t remember why, but she said they would tell me more about that tomorrow.

      Apparently, the chemotherapy is worse towards the end. Great to know. But at least I won’t be having the immunotherapy. 

      She said the immunotherapy is given to get the bone marrow making more white blood cells and platelets, so that will be when my bones ache. So, every week then. Brilliant. 

      She was asking what medication I take: nothing. Only the pill years ago. Any supplements? Nope. Good, she said, as that may affect things. 

      I won’t lie; I have sat here crying for a while. I have a 23mm lump of cancer, why can’t they just cut it out and not have to do all this invasive stuff. They make everything sound so shit. Will there be anything good about any of this treatment? Not by the sounds of it. 

      I know they must warn you about the side effects, but they make the cure sound worse than the disease. I have no pains from cancer, just a lump. 

      I hope I read this back in a few years’ time and laugh at the daft cow sitting here crying because she’s not sure she can do all this.