May Contain Nuts

Day 21. The end of 24 weeks of chemotherapy. Normally I would be getting myself prepared and my bag packed for a visit to the chemo unit in the morning. There is no visit tomorrow. I’m all done. My immunotherapy continues Tuesday 13^th January. I’m hoping the side effects of that are a lot less than what I have had to deal with. I’ve never had it on its own, so I’ve never knowingly experienced what they are. Will I miss the chemotherapy? Hahahahahahaha, nope.  

It all feels so surreal as it only felt like a few ago that I was sitting on the edge of my bed, crying, because I didn’t think I had the strength to go through it all. Now, after sitting on my bum and taking the tablets, I know that I could. I coped. I had a wobble at the beginning because I had never been through it before. For some reason, when people hear chemo, they think of sickness and frailty. I have never felt frail. I’ve just been me. Same old miserable, moany me. I’ve always been positive about the treatment because that is my nature. Why would cancer change that? 

There are times that I have been scared that the treatment wasn’t working. I wasn’t scared about getting worse and feeling ill. I was more upset about missing out on seeing my girls grow up. I want more years with them. More years to make great memories together. Not sadness and heartache. 

They say that going through a cancer diagnosis changes you. I hope it does. I’d like to have longer legs and curly auburn hair. Oh, and smaller nostrils. Will it make me stronger? I thought I was always strong. Will it make me more carefree? I doubt it. All I know is that so far, I don’t feel any different. 

I’ve missed out on nights out; I put my recovery first. Now I’m looking forward to having the freedom to go out and be me again. I just have surgery and radiotherapy to get through first. I just hope I don’t have to stay stuck in this house again. I mean, I love my house, I really do, but I would like to choose to stay at home rather than feel like I must stay home. I’m looking forward to that.