May Contain Nuts

Day 10 and this round of chemotherapy has done everything just slightly early, which has thrown me a little bit. Even down to the diarrhoea that started in the morning instead of the evening. The fuzziness started Thursday instead of Friday along with the strange aches and pains in the legs and the indigestion (I dislike the indigestion as it makes it feel as if there is something constantly stuck in my throat/chest). It didn’t ruin Christmas for us though as everything was very dialled down. It all felt relaxed and exactly what I needed. I didn’t get breathless once and Simon and Emily helped so much in the kitchen. I mean, it was only left-over vegan turkey, with jacket potatoes, cauliflower and broccoli cheese, and glazed carrots. But I wasn’t on my own in the kitchen. Simon and Emily went out to see Nanny and Granddad, whilst I did not much, and for the rest of the evening we just all lay on the sofa watching tv and eating cheese and crackers. It was weird not having Hannah with us, but she had her Christmas Day with Tom and his family. It was perfect for us. 

I had to give in to the painkillers last night and had a couple of them at 2am. I thought I could cope, I wasn’t using the hot water bottle either, but I could feel myself curling up into a ball which is what happened the first time I had the pains. I’ve only taken paracetamol twice in the past 22 weeks and both times it has made me dizzy about half an hour afterwards. It’s no doubt in the long list of side effects that paracetamol might give you, but I only ever usually take it for a headache or cold and used to think it was connected to that.  

The other difference to this round is my family. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I have been more determined to do things, or maybe I look better (the jury is out on that one), but they have been expecting me to do more than I have done previously. Yes, there have been days where they have had to do a lot for me, and I have always been very grateful for the help. But Simon thought that I would like to go to the Southend United Boxing Day match. Then today, he made a comment about having to go shopping on his own (the girls are at work) as if I have always gone shopping throughout my treatment (I haven’t on this week as I’m only allowed to see one or two people at home, not the busy aisles of a supermarket). Maybe, to them, they saw my last chemotherapy day as the last day of treatment and it’s all over. Unfortunately for my body I have been treating Day 21 as the last day, as that’s when I would’ve been back to the hospital for the next round. So, for now, I’m trying to take it easy on my body and not push it too hard. It’s coped so far, I don’t want to exhaust it when the end is in sight. I just don’t want a set back and need a blood transfusion because I pushed myself too much because my family has left me doing too much. 

It’s weird how much I am acutely aware of how my body is and what I need to do to help it now. On a normal day, I would eat my breakfast, go to work, get a rumbly stomach at 11am, ignore it, carry on working without any drink or food, eat before leaving work (or if I was getting angry), come home, have a cup of tea, then wonder why I was grumpy git. It’s as if I was just taking advantage of my body as I thought it was perfectly healthy. Funny that. 

Now, I am seeing a regular physiotherapist to help my body cope with strains it has on through chemotherapy. She knows instantly the weeks that I have been feeling sickly as my back curls more inwards. My legs become misaligned when my back has been at its worst. And she is now helping me with my right arm as my bicep muscle is now constricting the tendons down it as I spend most of my time trying to protect the picc line from any danger or harm.  

My fluid intake has never been this high in years. I drink all the time, even if I don’t like it or if it tastes weird, I move on to the next drink until I am satisfied. I drink more to flush through the toxins in my body and get them out quicker. I drink more to keep my bowels softer as the other option is bloody painful. I drink more because I don’t want to be told off by the nurse again, who said that my blood levels were down as I hadn’t kept myself hydrated! The only downside is that my bladder never tells me that it is full, but the elastic or the button on my waistband does. I used to say that I had the bladder of a camel. I now realise that my lack of fluid during the day was not something I should be boasting about. 

Even though my back and thighs are still hurting today, the fuzziness is lifting. It is starting to feel like my body is mine again and it’s making me feel a bit itchy to start planning things. Chemotherapy has always been hanging over my head as the thing that has stopped me from doing things/going places. I didn’t want to catch germs and affect the treatment, so I only went to small places with few people. Now I can start thinking about going on a train to London, going to a pub, or even going to a gig. But the thing I have been craving the most is to be able to book something without having to check the calendar to see if that is on the right week. Most of my replies to people’s invites have been – sorry, it’s not my good week. Or they check with me first to see what date I can do before they even book anything. The freedom to do what I want, when I want, is tantalizingly close. 

The frustration of not knowing dates for surgery or radiotherapy is annoying as it is still putting all my plans on hold. Yes, I have a plan. Not big life changing plans, but when you’ve been self-isolating and watching people get on with life, it really makes you want to get out of the world and explore places that you have put off going to. I mean, these are not life-changing things. I’m not suddenly going to sell everything and move abroad, but I’m not going to sit at home every day. There are loads of local walks that I have never done. I used to go to the gym late at night as I was at work during the day, now I can see what I’ve been missing! And I need to go back. I have done a lot of resting, a bit too much.  

Mantra for the next part of my life:  

Do something for you, every day.