May Contain Nuts

I’m hoping this is the last time that I feel like this. The ups and downs of chemotherapy have been tough, and sometimes they are manageable. And then there are days like today when I don’t want to go through it all again, but I am already on the rollercoaster, so I just get on and cope with it.  

I went to bed at 10pm last night and I’m pretty sure I fell asleep shortly afterwards. But sleep didn’t stay; the hot flushes started so I had to throw the covers off to cool down. That didn’t last long so I had to cover myself over again. And then the hot flush came back. You can repeat this all night and include in the dream that I had where I needed to get myself a drink, but I didn’t wake up in real life and bit myself on the cheek quite hard. So that woke me up as it really hurt, and then I was worried that I had damaged the inside of my mouth. I struggled to get back to sleep and was worried about keeping Simon awake, but he was already struggling with his own inability to have a good night’s sleep. A bad night’s sleep doesn’t really set you up for the day very well. 

Breakfast was a struggle. I woke up thinking that I’m hungry, so I took the anti-sickness pills so that I can eat, but my tastebuds have gone and there is nothing that I want to eat. I eat something bland as food needs to be consumed, but what’s the point of eating when you can’t taste anything. It all seems pointless, and that is where the problem is. Everything is an effort. Water doesn’t even taste right. Tea doesn’t taste right. I can manage some sparkling water as that tastes better, but there is no joy in anything. Food tastes strange, but my stomach rumbles and I want to eat, but I don’t know what to eat to help. I had some toast with cream cheese and cucumber on the top and couldn’t taste a single morsel of it. I currently have a peppermint chewing gum in my mouth as that is the only thing I can taste right now. 

My hands and skin feel so weird. It’s like every nerve ending is a bit numb. I can feel something in my fingers as I type, there are electrical pulses that I can feel occasionally but most of my body doesn’t feel like I’m connected to it. My hand rubbed against the side of my face as it felt a bit sore, but it felt more like a swollen cheek that had no idea what was being brushed against it. My skin is soft, but dry, and needs covering in moisturiser. I need to have a bath, but I don’t want to get cold getting in the bath, so I stay wrapped up in my dirty clothes because being uncomfortably cold is worse. My eyes want to stay closed, but my brain wants to be awake. I want to read my book because I have got to a good bit, but I don’t want to read as I can’t concentrate on what the words are saying. I could watch a programme, but what’s the point as I will fall asleep whilst it’s on. I could lie on the sofa and stare at a screen, but I don’t want to. There are lots of things that I want to do, but I just don’t want to do them as everything seems pointless. I don’t have the energy to do anything or the inclination to even try and do anything. The lethargy of chemotherapy is the hardest part for me.  

The hospital told me the other day that my red blood cell count was low again. When I had the blood transfusion, it took my levels up to ninety-nine. It has since gone down to eighty-seven, then eighty-five, then up to eighty-seven, but they want me to give them a call if the tiredness is back as they will get me booked in for another transfusion. I would rather not have that as it made me feel a sick last time. I am trying to make the effort to get up and get dressed and do things around the house, but it is hard. 

My fingernails have gotten too long, and they are annoying me, but I can’t face cutting and filing them. My nose is so cold and there is not one item of clothing that I can wear to help keep it warm, and it annoys me. Socks feel weird on my feet, but I need to keep my feet warm, so I wear them and my slippers. I’m hungry, I can’t taste anything, then my stomach gets bigger and my jogging bottoms get too tight, and then I hoist them up over the stomach bulge and don’t like how I feel. 

I just feel like I’m moaning about anything and everything because there is nothing that can be done to help. It won’t last much longer. I know it won’t last much longer, but I wish it would stop soon.