May Contain Nuts

I’m not sure how to describe how I felt this morning. It was the last chemotherapy, so I was happy about that, but I didn’t want to put my body through one more round. But it had to be done. 

Walked onto Bay 2 and was offered a choice of any of the six chairs. There was a brand-new chair, so I chose to try that out. I can confirm that it was not the most comfortable and needed a pillow behind you to either sit on or rest against. It was so newfangled; it had scales built into it which they promised they would turn off so that no-one else could see my weight! 

A little while after I arrived, a younger man turned up. I had heard him talking to someone in the waiting room about his daily radiotherapy and weekly chemotherapy. He wasn’t feeling too good so he had curtains around him so he could sleep. 

After he arrived, Pauline from my last chemo session came into Bay 2 and she chose to sit next to me. She was very happy to see me as I think she likes to have a familiar face. She had previously told me about her health anxiety and how she carries everything in a bag with her in case she needs anything. She asked me how my bone pain was after the last round, and I told her that it was so much better than the round before, and all I had taken was one lot of paracetamols. She told me that after her first injection, she either passed out or had a seizure, and they had to call the chemo unit and call out an ambulance. She had to stop her filgrastim injections, and they were now changing the injections to a milder course. Pauline was on her last EC the same as me and now she will be changing to paclitaxel, which was the weekly one that I started with. Although, I think she is having hers every three weeks. It still blows my mind that everyone’s treatment is so different. 

There was an older lady in the bed opposite next to the window, but she didn’t have any treatment and then the chair was cleaned. I have no idea why, but these things often happen. I was happy to see Linda arrive and take that chair. We had two other men in the bay with us; one had a loud phone and was constantly sending messages or calling people, the other man wasn’t talking to anyone and refused any food that Bev offered to him as he had his own food. So, Linda’s arrival meant that it was a half and half split and we could sit and chat and ignore the men. Linda being Linda, arrived with a sparkling musical Christmas hat and her Christmas t-shirt. She had bought Megan, the nurse, some Christmas socks, so Megan made her a Father Christmas which got Linda very emotional. She was saying that she has been having a few down days. Her chemo is palliative care, and she has been having treatment since 2018, but she has been thinking that what if this year is her last Christmas. She has always been so positive, the growth on her liver has shrunk in size, but there will come a time when the chemotherapy stops working and she will have to stop treatment. She doesn’t want to give up; she wants to keep fighting. I just hope there is a breakthrough soon that will help her. 

Pauline gave me a small bag full of hats. She said that someone had given them to her, but some of them were just too small for her, and she wondered if they would fit me. I tried a couple on, and they felt comfortable, so I thought it was easier to take them all and try them on in a more relaxed environment. When I got them home, I washed them all. Some of them are for children so I will donate them to either pre-loved re-loved or I will bring them back with me and see if the chemo unit can pass them to the children’s unit. 

We had lunch, had our EC chemotherapy, and Pauline left a few minutes before me. I said goodbye to Linda and the grumpy men. It’s quicker to have chemo without the cold cap, but it’s disappointing that I couldn’t do the full 16. I’m happy with no hair, I was always happy to have no hair. It’s just sad to know that the cold cap couldn’t save all my hair and left me with bald patches anyway. I would’ve stopped sooner if I had known. I would’ve either continued to the end to finish the course or never bothered in the first place. We were just never going to know how my body would react. Some people had to stop after a couple of uses; I managed 14. 

Simon brought me home and he went off to work. Emily was at university and Hannah went off to work. It’s weird to think that they used to all try and stay at home to look after me. Now they just bugger off and leave me! It’s not become such a part of my life that they know I can manage and look after myself for a few more days.