May Contain Nuts

I made the decision today to transfer this diary onto WordPress. I thought it was a good idea to write down somewhere how I’m feeling, so that my girls have something to read and reflect on after I am better. But then, after a conversation with Simon about whether I should blog about everything or not, and him saying that he would like to read it too, I thought here would be a good place to share it with you. There are four other pages to read, the first one is titled “Diary for my girls” and it continues from there. 

So, what’s happened this week? Well, yesterday I received a call in the morning asking if I could attend an oncology appointment in the afternoon. This was the exact reason why I had given up work, so yes, I was ready. But I don’t think I was ready for the news that they would give me. 

My plan for chemotherapy is now 8 rounds of it every 3 weeks, and for the first 12 weeks I will have to go in every week to have an immunotherapy drug pumped into me. At least I think that’s what he said. So, my life all the way up to Christmas is just going to be chemotherapy. I’m still not sure how they can say it’s a tiny lump, its early stages, and this is the treatment that I am going to have. I will be taking chemo drugs for a year of my life. How can some people have surgery and then chemo and be back at work sooner than me? What are they doing to me? Why does everything have to keep changing? I don’t think I can keep doing this. I just get it all settled in my head and then it’s all change again. 24 weeks of feeling shit before I even get to surgery. Shit. This is shit. But this will be my life now.  

As you can probably tell, I’m struggling today. Should I just curl up and admit defeat and do fuck all today? Should I go to the gym and get some happy endorphins? Should I just eat my weight in chocolate? Should I just drink myself into oblivion? 

Why me? Why is this all happening to me now? Everything was going so well; we’ve been booking holidays and gigs for the next 8 months at least. Now we’ve postponed the holiday, and I don’t even know if I can attend any of the gigs. How am I supposed to survive? This is not fair, I’m a social butterfly. Fuck cancer.  

Everyone is telling me to rest up. Rest up from what? I am feeling fine right now. I feel normal, same old me, nothing has changed. I’m stuck in the house, overthinking everything, and gradually spiralling down as I feel the next six months are going to be more of this shit. I said I was going to clean the house. I can’t even get motivated to do that today. I would ask Emily and Hannah to help, but Emily just spends all day on her phone/playing games/at work/whatever she wants, and Hannah just goes to work/Tom’s/holiday/wherever she wants. So, does Simon do housework? Washing up, yes. Vacuuming, yes. But somehow no-one in this house sees the actual housework that needs doing. Oh god, I might as well admit defeat and get a cleaner. Or I will be staring at the world through dirty windows and not inviting anyone over as who wants to see someone else’s shit stains in the toilet? I’ve ordered garden furniture so that I can sit outside with people, but we’ll be looking at two cars that are in the garden… 

I hope I’m in a better mood tomorrow as this mood is vile. I think I’ll read a book.